Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
