apparently the secret to your success is patron
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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