Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
