grandma shit on top of the toilet
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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