I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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