you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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