1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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