Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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