I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
