wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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