he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
