he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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