Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
