I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
