Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
