I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
