can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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