On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
