I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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