I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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