your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
