I accidentally burped into my bong.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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