Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
