No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
