So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
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