Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
