It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
