Can i not drive my cunt home
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
