They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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