You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
