I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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