you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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