i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
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