____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
