I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
