Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
