If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
