He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
