The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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