So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
