a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
