so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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