bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You may now shotgun with the bride
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
be right there i have to get my cape
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
