Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
