I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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