apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
