dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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