Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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