they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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