So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
