So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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