Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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