Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
