hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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