i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
