he was CRYING into my vagina
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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