Apparently you make a good broom.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
