i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
