I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
