I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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