I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
